Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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