i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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