i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Randomize
