the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize
