We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
