Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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