She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
