Umm I'm too high to move.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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