I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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