im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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