She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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