so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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