my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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