I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
