i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
