I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
