Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
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