I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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