i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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