the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
