He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Randomize
