I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
