i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
