Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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