Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
