My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
