saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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