"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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