2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
