I'm drive I can fine osifer
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I know her cup size but not her name....
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
