I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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