Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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