Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Drunk is a universal language darling
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
