i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
this beer tastes like vomit already
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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