The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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