90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
