so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
