I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
