i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
