We had to coat check the pizza.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
