Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
