So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
