After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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