can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
