the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
