I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
