my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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