FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
That was before I lit my hair on fire
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
