I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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