i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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