let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
