she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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