Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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