you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
