You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
