OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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