you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
