I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
