can we get nightvision for the apartment?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
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