possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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