I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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