Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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