They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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