I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Boobs speak an international language.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
