now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Come on in and take your pants off
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