im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
