If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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