you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
